[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Natural selection at its finest
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.