My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.