When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Ok but actually
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!