Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
philosophical skeletons be like
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.