It’s an epidemic…
You Might Also Like
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*Seductively hides in the woods
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.