Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?