[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now