‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.