The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Hello Twits.