[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Hell yeah 👍
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone