I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
men, we mow at sunrise.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
absolute chaos
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no