My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
went fishing caught a bass
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Sheep
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Lmfaoooooo