[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
White Castle for the Win
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Need WebMD
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.