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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong