Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.