You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Kids: Stay in school.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
very niche meme I made
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”