going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.