ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what