Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”