“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Netflix and you sit over there.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Still cracks me up
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said