If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?