me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we鈥檙e texting
Him: I heard it
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don鈥檛) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don鈥檛 trust anything out of a toddler鈥檚 mouth
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
The first few months of a baby鈥檚 life are crucial and so it鈥檚 important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..馃槒馃槈
Phone
Mom: Didn鈥檛 mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It鈥檚 okay. I鈥檓 up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How鈥檚 your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I鈥檓 asleep.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you鈥檙e dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The closest thing I鈥檝e had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no