Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You Might Also Like
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
This line from Airplane.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no