ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Based Erika
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear