My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Welcome to the stomach
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Not today. 😅
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself