[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]