Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
You Might Also Like
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
john wicks are toilet candles
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.