Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops