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Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling