#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*launders Kohls cash*
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year