2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.