Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
felt that
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.