girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.