JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.