[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
just gave your address to some spiders
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Stonehinge
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr