Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school