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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Meat Cute
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My beach vacation Google searches
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.