The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
british sex workers really pound for pound
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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