the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Breaking news:
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.