Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son