My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt