Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
jesus christ confetti not now
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Still my favourite meme.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.