Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Finally! 😈
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*