I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
stop
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that