the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
You Might Also Like
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
🙂🐾
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*