[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes