If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
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My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
23. the denim jacket
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.