Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?