My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
we’re dead?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??