Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.